I started smoking when I was 14. I thought it was cool. I thought it would make me look cool. I smoke after school whenever I got the chance - somewhere shady, where no one would recognize me (and my friends). I would sneak out a cigarette from late at night - when they're both asleep. I wasn't a heavy smoker back then.

The opportunity of being away from home came - college. I smoke in my own room. I smoke around the campus. I smoke more than a pack a day. It was getting more intense. It kept me awake. It kept me alive over a day. It's a high my body my body got used to. It's an addiction. But I knew that it was not doing any good to my body.

Med school came and I was bombarded with information regarding the ill effects of smoking. Did it scare me? No. Not at all. Did I want to stop? Definitely!

I want to live a healthier life. I want to eat right. I want to be active. I want to lose weight. I want to look good. I want to feel better. I want to be healthy. I want to stop my smoking habit. But I can't. It's hard. Really hard. My school has been advocating a smoke-free campus. It helped me a bit. I could hardly smoke within the school grounds (which happens to stand beside a hospital). Since I can't smoke in school, I only smoke at home. I started smoking half a pack each day. There was even a time when I smoked 1-3 sticks a day. I really want to quit. "Quitters never win", but I knew that my body will gain a lot from quitting.I realized that if I were to quit smoking, I'd save a lot of money. Not only does my body benefits from quitting, but also my wallet.

It's a bondage I could hardly get away from. It may not be written in the bible that smoking is a sin. But if God wanted me to smoke, He should have made a chimney on top of my head. Fortunately, He did not. But again, it's so hard to quit. I need help!

Help!

“Those who dwell among the beauties and mysteries of the earth are never alone or weary of life.” - Rachel Carson

I've been to La Union several times. And there was never an instance that my relatives stopped looking after me. One time, I was in San Fernando, the town next to San Juan (where my grandparents are), with a cousin when I suddenly got several text messages from my aunt telling us to go home since it was getting dark. I never got the chance to travel there without my relatives around, until last February.

I went there with my friends. We stayed in a hotel (friend's treat) and for the first time, I was able to be in San Juan without bothering my relatives (or them bothering me. We got there very early in the morning (around 5pm, I think) - it was still dark. We had breakfast, fooled around a bit (passing by the Jollibee Drive Thru with a friend hanging at the back of the car) and went to the hotel. The sky was getting brighter. After settling transactions at the front desk, we headed straight to the beach.

We were at awe. The scene was wonderful and we can't help but talk about it. We were along the shore facing the beach. I settled down and lighted a cigarette. Suddenly, for a brief moment, we were all quiet. Our eyes were looking around without saying a thing. All we could here are the splashes of the waves and the wind brushing our ears.

The sun was just about to rise. The morning breeze was very cool. It was the most beautiful place on earth. For a brief moment, I was able to forget my problems. It was probably more than enough to drown away all the troubles of life. It was a wonderful moment - perfect scene at a perfect time. I've been there several times before, but I've never witnessed such wonder.

I wonder how to describe it to my parents and siblings. The most flattering words won't do justice. They have to be there to see what I saw. How could I ever describe to them such an amazing moment? It'd be like describing a beautiful thing that the blind will never see.

The water was dark blue. The waves were frolicking with the cool morning breeze along the shore. It was as refreshing as a deliciously concocted mojito in a tall chilled glass.

Several houses with chic patios facing the sea lined the cove. The rest of the cove was covered by dewdrop-glittered greenery. It was as pleasant as the feeling of lying down on the softest bed and pillows covered with newly washed sheets.

The morning sky was in monochromatic blue-gray hues, bright enough to show that the sun will arrive at any second. It brought together the morning scenery around the beach - just like how the sound of the bass ties the sound of the piano and saxophone together in the soothing music of American jazz.

It was one amazing moment I wished would last long enough for my family to see on their next vacation. I knew such moment would end soon, though. We went back to our cabin to rest.

It signaled the start of what has been the most memorable La Union trip I had.

♫"I know you'd like to thank your shit don't stank
But lean a little bit closer
See that roses really smell like boo-boo"♫ -Outkast

"Ateneo did not choose you because of your college grades and NMAT results, nor your background. We chose you because we thought you are capable."

Those were the words from my mentor. She is actually not just a mentor. She was a life coach!

During my last session with her, she made me reminisce the things I encountered over the past 9 months of med school. Over those 9 months, I experienced a lot of problems - siblings going abroad, another sibling battling loneliness, a close aunt diagnosed with cancer - added to my burden of getting along with med school life, new school and peers, and acceptance of the consequences for this decision I made.

Life's a bunch of choices. Each choice has its own consequences. You have to carefully decide which one to take. I decided to take the path to becoming a physician. Unfortunately, I was not able to take a good look at its consequences.

Being a doctor sure has its perks. In the Philippines, most doctors are at the top of the social hierarchy. They make good money. But becoming a doctor is not a smooth ride. No, not at all! I just finished a year in med school. But my experience probably does not justify how hard it can get for the next 4 years - or for that matter, the next decades of my life.

But after 9 months during my first year, I was able to accept my decision. Actually, I was able to realize what I want. If not medicine, then what? There's no way but med. I thought it was just my dad's idea. But I would not give in to his frustration just like that. I basically built my life to becoming one, I just did not know that earlier.

Upon realizing what I want, things fell into place. Each day, I was able to picture myself in the next school year, and the year after that, then the year after... I was able to picture myself doing clinics, rounds, attending conferences, being a leader, a follower, a manager, and as someone being managed. I thought of being a student for a specialization, a teacher for that specialty, probably the next dean of my school, or the secretary of the Department of Health, who knows? But definitely, I'll be a social catalyst.

When I revealed that to my mentor, it was the only time she told me why Ateneo picked me. They would not have probably picked me for my college grades - they sucked more than my classmates'; probably not for my NMAT grades - the other schools do not even want me for it; probably not for my background - I'm just the son of two corporate slaves aka "professional workforce" who can pay for the tuition. Ateneo picked me because they thought I was capable. I had the potential of becoming the kind of doctor that they want to mold. And that potential should not go to waste.

YL6, bring it on.

"The richest places in the world are the cemeteries. These places are rich in potential - potential that could have made this world better - only that they are buried 6 feet under." - quoted from a book by Kuya Carlo

I watched the film Orapronobis recently, a film by Lino Brocka. The first thing I noticed was the poor cinematography of the film. I know it was shot during the eighties. But the organizers’ copy must have been taken from a wearing original one as brought by repeated showing. In other words, the original one was already gasgas na before they copied it. The musical score and editing was also poor. But anyway, the screenplay, direction, and acting of the cast were great. Considering that it was taken back in the eighties, with underdeveloped technologies compared to what is currently present, the movie deserves outstanding reviews!

Another one that I observed about the film is its realistic plot. There were many stories about the Marcos dictatorial rule. They were bad. But stories point out that after the regime, it was worse! It must be due to the lack of knowledge and experience of Cory Aquino to lead a country. From an elite housewife, she instantly became the president of the Philippines. Leading a country after a dictatorial regime is like baking for the first time. A recipe may be as complete and comprehensive as it could, but if the baker has no knowledge on what to do when the recipe says “knead” or “fold”, then the resulting product is a far from perfect. Leading a country is very complex. A good politician may start from a university, studying political science, law, and other related courses, then managing district, city, or provincial offices - theories and personal experiences are required.

The Philippines has an inexperienced leader in a time when the country is overjoyed by the end of the dictatorship. The people thought they were very free. The political prisoners who were freed felt even better, thinking that everything would be back into place. But no, everything went worse, especially in the barrios.

As shown in the film, a group of armed civilians in the barrio, known as Orapronobis, were putting up intense crimes – killing innocent people and pointing out that they were rebels when investigators come. They even killed an Italian priest due to the anger of the group’s leader. The group was not protecting the people at all. What made things worse was when the town police does nothing to the point that they were allowing the group to do what they wanted. It was a phase in the history far from the one before the dictatorship. The first EDSA Revolution did stop the dictatorship, but the crimes were not resolved.

History Repeats Itself

The film showed the lives of some Filipinos, which consisted of a dot in the population. But it gave a good idea of what was really happening without the media reports and government interventions. Moving forward fifteen to twenty years later, the events are pretty much the same. Joseph Estrada was not a dictator, but one of his corruption schemes was brought to public, causing his outer. Gloria Arroyo replaced, another woman president. But she was the vice-president at that time. She is well-equipped in terms of knowledge and experience. But things were pretty much the same as what happened during Aquino’s term. The Philippines was longing for a better and more honest leadership after the second EDSA Revolution. Though, economy-wise, Arroyo gave a leadership that is good enough to bring the economy a little higher. But it still was not enough to terminate poverty in the country. In terms of integrity, what can I say. Remember the “Jose Pidal” scam, the fertilizer fund scam, and the “Hello Garci” scandal? Those were just a few. The first two primarily involved other government officials and the first gentleman, but reports say the president herself was also involved. Those were just a part of the media frenzy since Arroyo is still the president. Add to them the “ZTE-deal” scandal that is shaking her seat once again.

Aside from those scandals, remember the number of victims of political killings? The figures were hard to remember since they are constantly changing. Yes, the numbers are still increasing. It is not new, though, since the political killings during the dictatorship did not stop after the first EDSA Revolution, and up to the present, it has not stopped yet. “Enforced disappearances” is not also new. Disappearances of activists and leaders has not stopped when Aquino was the president, and so as at present.

Remember the coup during Aquino’s time? Arroyo does not fall far behind as evidenced by the “Oakwook mutiny” and several other coup attempts such as the one that occurred recently referred as the “Manila Pen situation”. Indeed, history is repeating itself. At present, there is no other way for the Philippine society to get out poverty. The Filipinos will never taste the freedom they desire. The Philippines will never be a first-world country until a president of better skills an economist than Gloria and as pure hearted as Jesus Christ is elected.

Who is there to blame? The Filipinos can put a housewife into presidency. The Filipinos can elect a showbiz personality in different government offices. The society cannot unite in electing the right people. Many of the government officials, or probably all of them, are marked corrupt. The country is known as the second poorest in Asia and second most corrupt in the world. In the end, the Filipinos are to be blamed. On the bright side, the Filipinos are known to be the sixth happiest people in the world, but we cannot just simply smile on what are happening. The Filipinos are also known to be resilient. Thus, it is time to bounce back. To become one of the richest countries in the world once again is not impossible for the hardworking, well-skilled, talented, and resourceful Filipinos. Filipinos can always find better ways to lift up its country. Just look at the movie Orapronobis - it has become an internationally acclaimed film given the technological constraints. It is even considered a national treasure.

My Room

I was the only one who watched the movie. The organizer (NARRA-Youth) has two screenings of the movie – one at 1pm and another one at 3pm. It actually started a couple minutes past 3:30. The proponents were probably assuming that more of my classmates would watch. I went to the FC AVR after my PE class (around 3:15pm), took a seat, waited for a couple minutes, and finally, they started running the film. I was the only one inside. The organizers were outside the room.

I was actually expecting that no one else would come by the time I came to the venue. They totally lacked advertising strategies. They probably invited only at the CSWCD classes and did not go around the other departments and colleges such as the Sociology department. When I was in my Socio11 class, I was required to watch. I failed to see the movie screening at the Film Institute due to a conflicting class. The next time around, I was able to see the movie, all by myself inside the FC AVR, feeling like it was my room. Since I was the only one who watched, there was no discussion that followed the film, unlike what they previously said. It was fine anyway since I had a lot of things to do and I was not in the mood to engage in such a discussion that time. I was tired!

The film, according to my Socio11 teacher (as I could remember), was not allowed to be shown anymore since the Cultural Center of the Philippines (CCP) only had one copy. The CCP was actually trying to conserve the quality of the copy they have as it was considered a legacy by a national artist, Lino Brocka. It was supposed to be the last showing. But the organizer used a computer file. See how Filipinos could find ways? I do not know where they actually got the file. But surely, they can now show the film over and over again.

The film was said to be very controversial (as told during Socio11). It was banned during the time of Cory Aquino’s presidency since it was considered to be a strategy of distabilization. Since it was shown in the campus for “educational purposes”, it was not prohibited. That is also one of the reasons I watched the film – it was a controversial Filipino movie legacy. It was even better when I was the only one watching. It felt like I have my own entertainment room! I did not bring any food and drinks, though. I’m not sure if food and drinks were banned in the FC AVR.

The film showing was actually for the benefit of the refugees displaced by the life threats imposed to them by the CAFGUs, armed civilian groups prettyt much like the Orapronobis. They very much represent the people in the barrio as portrayed in the film. But what could they donate to around 11 refugee families when I was the only one who watched in the second screening? In the first screening, only 9 people watched (I actually peeked at the first screening registrations). That makes us ten, multiplied by fifty (the film cost P50), that is equal to P500. What would P500 do for 11 families? I do not know what else the organizer will do. They would surely find another way to bring more donations as they found a way to have a copy that would not further destroy the one CCP has kept.

Conclusions and Realizations

The film was an authentic portrayal of a reality most filmmakers would not bother do. It was weird, unique, and gory as it may seem, but it depicts something that happened in reality and is still happening. I could just imagine if I were in that scene (in true life, of course). It must have been worse. It is a part of the process more popularly known as “history repeats itself” – just look at the poor refugees who have caused NARRA-Youth such film showing. Arroyo may be ousted (or not) by another EDSA Revolution - or shall I say another People Power as demonstrators are trying to do such in a different part of Metro Manila – due to the “ZTE deal” scandal. If ever she will be ousted, who will took her place, vice-president Noli de Castro, a political newbie, who won the elections due to his journalism popularity? Shall we allow history to repeat itself?

Crap! Is this mood swings or something? Am I pregnant? Am I gonna die? Picture this...

I didn't want to go out of bed this morning. I realized that I have to make my part of the report to my groupmate the night before but I feel so tired. It's actually exhaustion+laziness=sound sleep. Got it? Anyway, I was awake since 6:30 but I got out of bed at 8. I was just lying awake, feeling lazy, wanting this day to be a free Saturday (free Staurday=[examless+paperless]week ahead), trying to think of what I'm supposed to do aside from sending the report before 10 this morning. When I finally calculated that my day consists of about a million duties, I decided to have my breakfast and start my part of the report. I was assigned to make the introduction and methodology parts of two experiments to be submitted tomorrow. Crap! It's 2am and today is "tomorrow".

Anyway, I sent my report to my classmate before 10. Next stop, Nokia Professional Center, Morato. Good thing there's such a costumer care center in Morato. It's just a jeepney ride away, or a long walk away, or a short taxi ride away from home. The problem?! My laptop cannot detect my phone. That means I cannot use my SmartGPRS aka "10-pesos-per-minute-internet-from-smart". When I got there, a lot of people wearing a blue polo shirt with "Nokia" prited somewhere near the nipple part were outside the office. They're closed. Apparently, a staff brought the keys home when he is not supposed to. He forgot his shift would start at 12noon YESTERDAY.

I got back home anyway, and my bed is seducing me. My bed won. I was lying awake thinking about things. I realized that I was actually wasting my time. I remembered what Sara quoted, "time wasted is the most extravagant loss". Apparently, I extravagantly lost 30 minutes of my time. Stupid bed! Stupid brain! Stupid Hubs! Finally, I got myself back into celebrating my life in a manner that won't extravagantly cost me my time. It means that I have to make use of my time by going to class. Well, I had fn making use of my time. It was my skin diving class (skin diving= snorkeling + fins [why should everyone has to ask what does it mean?!]). I had two hours of fun, and the rest of the day of exhaustion.

I went to my college afterwards. It was almost a kilometer away from the pool. I was tired and I'm walking about a kilometer. Why not take UP's most celebrated jeepneys?! I wanted to lose weight. And currently, I'm eating a meal-sized midnight snack. What a crappy weight loss program! And I still call myself a future nutritionist-dietitian. While walking, I ate a big pack of potato chips. When I got there, I ate a sandwich. It was quite a big sandwich - BLT. And I wanted to lose weight.

I did a lot of things there but the most terrible thing I did was to photocopy the readings for tomorrow's discussion. No, it's going to be today's discussion. Yes, Hubert Alex A. Untal, the student who is even too lazy to get out of bed, is planning to read in advance the topic to be discussed. My classmates cannot even believe I could do such thing. I’m not sure whether I’m in the cum-laude-come-to-Hubert mode or it’s just a state of something that I cannot even describe. It sounds quite insane, actually. Whatever it is, it’s probably not the mood swings… heck, I’m not pregnant [lol]… and I hope I’m not going to die just yet.

why would a clean shirt considered dirty after wearing it for hours? wash it, dry it iron it - it's clean once again: comfortably wearable, ready to be dirty once again... how come we get into a cycle? it's hard to get out... everyone's in it!!! to go against the flow is the only way out. but it's hard to go against it. it's like being stuck in traffic,then you pass by the other side, causing traffic on the other side - result: your worst day ever! what the heck am i thinking right now? plain complaints - things that doesn't bring you anywhere, but do make you think of an idea, which may bring success right infront of you doorsteps.

the thing is, no life is easy: GMA has to face never-ending scandals, Nelson Mandela has to be imprisoned, and Jesus has to endure the cross. i complain whenever i feel bored. if i want my lfe to be easy, it would be boring, then i would complain for a boring life.

a cigarette would all burn out, a bottle of beer would be empty, just as a clean shirt would get dirty... but a clean shirt is always ready to spin crazily around a pool of detergent, even for thirty minutes, it will never complain... afterwards, (viola!) it's ready to wear!!!

Philippines, get ready for a REVOLUTION!!!
[november28-30,'07_cunetaastrodome,pasaycity,philippines]